bus driver transporting dr. phil fans fails glorious suicide mission miserably- blames Dr. Phil's head for premature collision

http://www.knbc.com/news/14781779/detail.html

A bus transporting Dr. Phil fans to a taping in LA crashed into the Hollywood Presbyterian Church when the afternoon sunlight struck Dr. Phil's bare scalp at an optically perfect angle. A tree and a fence were pronounced dead the scene.

click m'face

alternative beverage poll

as you may have already noticed, I have updated the poll to determine the most popular offshoot beverage starting with the ever-foul tasting, blue urine providing -
Pepsi Blue

Mountain Dew Pitch Black

Crystal Pepsi

Holiday Spice Pepsi

Sprite Remix

Orbitz (all flavors)

Coke Blak

Diet Pepsi Jazz (all Flavors)

Dr. Pepper Fusion


You may have noticed, I have excluded several not-so obscure beverages such as pepsi summer mix, vanilla coke, coke with lime, pepsi twist, wild cherry pepsi, cherry coke, mountain dew baja blast, mountain dew livewire, mountain dew code red, mountain dew game fuel, and the ever-frightening/soon to be "mdx", mountain dew x


If you feel I have left out any awesome alternative beverages, feel free to leave a much deserved "shout-out". Stay tuned for next weeks "offshoot snack poll", which is sure to provide countless flashbacks of toilet-top shudder and sweats..

making publicly known my funeral plans

9:16 AM me: http://www.michaeljnelson.com/home/speaking.aspx

i want him to speak at my funeral
especially considering he's never met me
jason.dictos: hahahaa
me: dane cook will be my backup plan- led promptly onto an alter and to be sacrificed for failure to please the comic gods. behind him my coffin door flies open, my body dancing detestably, head spinning. thanks to high-tech servo implants, i'm able to personally carry out the sacrifice from the afterlife thus avoiding murder charges...

pheonix resident lamborghini owner breaks world fucktard record @ 219mph on a public road

A phoenix resident lamborghini owner has broken a record thought previously unbreakable. The anonymous driver films his suicide attempt hardly masking his own identity and revealing his friends. The alleged fucktard barrels down the San Tan Fwy Loop 200 @ 219mph in Phoenix, AZ loosely strapped to his Lamborghini Murcielago.
http://www.youtube.com/v/tdMHjq4j8YY

"I snorted cocaine when I could afford it" - Barack Obama

"Junkie. Pothead. That's where I'd been headed: the final fatal role of the young would be black man," Obama wrote. Mostly he smoked marijuana and drank alcohol, Obama wrote, but occasionally he would snort cocaine when he could afford it."

Excerpts from Obama's book, "Dreams from My Father". Read the full article here. Obama has admitted using cocaine when he could afford it, leaving me to assume he used crack the rest of the time.

sea scorpion or giant lobster?

jason.d: http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/11/20/biggest.bug.ap/index.html
jason.d: dear god
surfacant: omg
surfacant: that is awesome
surfacant: it looks more like a lobster, than a scorpion
surfacant: lobsters should be renamed, sea scorpions...
surfacant: delicious sea scorpions..... *drools*

motor oil price expected to jump dramatically...

Oil hits $99.29 a barrel. Breakin the recent record, crude is on an unstoppable path to $100.

The euro spiked to $1.4856 on the USD, another new low for the dollar.

republican registered Fresnans not as dumb as expected...

woop woop!

Ron Paul Wins Republican Party Straw Poll in Fresno-

http://www.ronpaul2008.com/press-releases/46/ron-paul-wins-republican-party-straw-poll-in-fresno

public restroom masturbation now a realistic and attractive alternative to "waiting"..

it'd be a fun portable and password protected porn stash...
http://blackfriday.gottadeal.com/black-friday-2334-Sony154Laptopwith1GBRAM120GBHDDVDBurner.html

from http://blackfriday.gottadeal.com/

bimmer, beamer... boner?

Setting the record straight..

Bimmer:
Bimmer refers to a BMW car. A bimmer must have four wheels and be able to hold several passengers.

Beamer and Beemer:
BMW motorcycles are spelled two different ways, however, are only pronounced one way. BMW motorcycles have two wheels, therefore are pronounced beamer. Of course some might argue that a BMW motorcycle can have three wheels, so it can not be a beamer or beamer, and must be a bimmer. No, a bimmer must have four wheels, so a BMW motorcycle with 3 wheels is just a BMW sidecar.

newly discovered dinosaur forced to sit at the back of the bus..

surfacant8: regarding the nigersaurus
GTIeli: the vacuum dino
surfacant8: i feel like a racist
surfacant8: when i utter that name
surfacant8: maybe im pronouncing it wrong?
GTIeli: is it n eye ger
GTIeli: or ni gerr
surfacant8: n-eye-j-ear
GTIeli: so i am saying it wrong
GTIeli: damn
surfacant8: racist
GTIeli: yeah yeah

penywise 49: i like "narnia is only one cucumber chedder cat dog"
surfacant8: thats a classic for sure

it's hot outside, finally.

http://zeketheplumber.freelinuxhost.com/lmao.txt
thank jordan for this one. absolutely hilarious
*Update* thanks steve

surfacant8: how cute
penywise 49: well usually like 839 lizzard man tells me to fix the onion bloom with chedder guy 78 and i was like rattlesnakes on ur hummer bitch...anyways to make a long story short 92 chickens were forced to watch chicken run last night..they freaked out and shot their self with a 98' laser gun...into a bubble blaster 89 money short...eat it storm
penywise 49: it was intense

http://www.jasonschock.com/gangsta/index.php
i almost cried when i found this out. i am the "Broken Goat Smuggler", it knows who i am somehow.... (i like goats if you dont know)

found this pic at rog's, he had it scanned. i dont know if we can look any [insert sarcasm] cooler

added a somewhat cool new feature. try hitting refresh multiple times to see all of the available headers. also redid the art section.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
01 | the movie "willy wonka and the chocolate factory" /me shivers
02 | spiders
03 | reality

THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
01 | chase
02 | jimmy fallon
03 | everybody else

THREE THINGS I LOVE:
01 | my doggy
02 | being understood
03 | travelling

THREE THINGS I DON'T LOVE:
01 | ranch dressing BLEGH!@!@
02 | dishonesty
03 | complete materialism

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
01 | ladies
02 | rubiks cubes
03 | Schroeder-Cantor-Bernstein theorem and infintite paradoxs

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
01 | an empty glass (previously full of orange juice)
02 | my mouse
03 | my wrist

THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
01 | listening to mp3s
02 | thinking
03 | breathing

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
01 | be 100% self-sufficient
02 | complete my goals
03 | be satisfied with myself

THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
01 | use a computer
02 | play soccer... until my back hurts
03 | make the best of things

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
01 | difficult to understand
02 | difficult to anger
03 | shy (sometimes), outgoing (other times)

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY LOOKS:
01 | white
02 | tall
03 | born with 6 ears, no hair, and 3 ass cheeks

THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
01 | be consistantly confident
02 | settle
03 | complete a headspin mctwisterdoodle to the tenth power

THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
01 | anyone but me
02 | but if you insist: coldplay
03 | Del's third album - future development


THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
01 | Limp Biztkit
02 | Eminem
03 | Brotha Lynch

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
01 | Gay
02 | sicc
03 | blah

THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
01 | bread
02 | cheese
03 | meat

THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
01 | coke
02 | mountain dew
03 | chilled unicorn blood

THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
01 | inspecter gadget
02 | mcguyver
03 | father dowling mysteries

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO:
01 | australlia
02 | japan
03 | the philipines

THREE NAMES THAT YOU GO BY:
01 | peter
02 | petey
03 | hey mother fucker

THREE NAMES OF PETS YOU HAVE OR HAD:
01 | dog or guy
02 | waldo
03 | cornelius

THREE ONLINE SITES YOU MOST FREQUENT:
01 | www.phrack.org
02 | www.packetwhore.tk
03 | www.escusd.k12.ca.us/cgi-bin/ (youre welcome)

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE OR HAD:
01 | surfacant
02 | surfacant8
03 | 124311we2e1niner

How do you score on my "How random are you? 328497NINer" Quizie?